How to Fix a WikiLeak

State Department enlists Mike Holmes to find and fix network security flaws.

Shown here in his younger years, home improvement expert Mike Homes is now founder and CEO of Holmesland Security, a cyber security contractor specializing in plugging WikiLeaks.

In a recent post on its web site, WikiLeaks revealed a secret agreement between the United States Department of State and Canadian home improvement celebrity Mike Holmes to block information leaks to the controversial watchdog organization. The document claims that early in the year 2036, Holmes incorporated a new company named “Holmesland Security” to manage his security-related contracts with the State Department and other U.S. government agencies.

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Disclaimer: As it is with all my posts, this blog contains no meaningful facts, truths, or intelligence of any kind (future or otherwise). It’s pure fiction.

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Although the State Department declined to be interviewed, Holmes openly confirmed that the WikiLeaks post was accurate, but he also indicated that it actually part of a deliberate cyber “smoke” test to help locate the source of a leak.

“We’ve used a similar technique for years with home ventilation systems. We blow non-toxic colored smoke through the ductwork to locate leaks and measure airflow,” Holmes said. “I figured this would be a great way to detect cyber leaks as well. We send a juicy teaser ‘smoke signal’ to track how the information flows and who attempts to steal it. We WANTED WikiLeaks to find it and they did, and in the process we found out where and how they were getting their information. It worked exactly the way we planned it.”

Although he has no formal training in cyber security, Holmes is no stranger to networking technology. In 2011, he teamed up with Cisco Systems to explore the future of residential technology. “He does have a hard time getting all of the acronyms right, but otherwise he really knows what he’s doing,” said a Cisco spokesperson. “For example he still thinks WLAN stands for WikiLeaks Access Node because he discovers so many document leaks there. But he always finds the cause of the problems and repairs them with airtight results.”

Holmesland Security applies proven home remodeling methodology to the digital domain; apparently with much more success than IT professionals who use conventional network security techniques. His approach is essentially the same as what he used in his home improvement television shows of the past. With a hand-picked team of construction and networking experts, he conducts a tightly controlled rampage, ripping out walls, ceilings, floors, roofs and just about everything in between, and rebuilds them from scratch.

“There’s a lot of shoddy workmanship that’s been here for years,” Holmes declared with his trademark wince and scowl. “Classified data tends to build up in the wrong places where no one seems to notice – just like mold. WikiLeaks has been feeding off this ‘mold’ for decades. But if you stop it from forming in the first place, WikiLeaks will go away.”

However these methods have not gone without creating nervous concern at State Department facilities. Although no valuable data has ever been lost, his systematic teardown of WikiLeak sources has taken many communications links down for weeks at a time. “We back up everything first, clean up the data, and restore it to better condition than the day we found it,” said Holmes. “I’m never backing down on doing it right, but I do understand they still have to get their work done. Right now I’m working on non-invasive methods and tools to take care of these problems without shutting the whole thing down.”

Although Holmes has systematically repaired virtually all of the controversial leaks at the State Department, America’s favorite Canadian handyman admits that this may not be a permanent fix. “Believe it or not, the real problem, and the one that will take more than my team to fix, is employee morale and relations,” he said.

“All too often, good Americans who truly care about their organizations and their country are ignored or silenced by their managers whenever they point out inherent problems, risks, or wrongdoing. Allowing employees at all levels to expose problems and actually participate in getting them fixed will go a long way to ending the need to use WikiLeaks as a means to an end. To me, WikiLeaks is not the problem nor do I see them as the primary enemy,” exclaimed Holmes. “They became a safety valve for pressure that shouldn’t exist in the first place.”

WikiLeaks declined to answer questions about their unwitting participation in the Holmesland Security smoke test.

This post and others like it may also be found  in my Network World FIB Wire blog.